Like many women, Alice Smith is fairly conscious of her figure – and pretty much always has been.
Not that she hasn’t had her moments, she admits.
For instance, when she first met her husband John, there were dinner dates and shared bottles of wine, and she put on a few pounds. Holidays and boxes of chocolate bought for her on anniversaries or birthdays also took their toll.
But Alice, 65, from Suffolk, says that she always managed to rein it in, staying a trim size 10 throughout their 11-year marriage thanks to regular exercise and a generally healthy diet.
For John, 67, it’s been a different story. In recent years he has, in Alice’s words, ‘piled it on’.
When they first met, the 6ft finance worker weighed a healthy 13 stone. Today he’s more than three stone heavier and is barely fitting into his shirts.
Experts say the weight discordance between couples isn’t just disappointing wives and damaging relationships – it’s part of a larger public health crisis
And, says Alice – who asked us to use a pseudonym in order to protect her identity – he isn’t showing any signs of slowing down.
John spends the weekends sat in front of the TV, often with a family-size packet of crisps and bottles of beer.
And while Alice goes on daily walks, he prefers to stay sedentary. She isn’t happy about any of this.
‘Every time I go for a walk or go to the gym, I ask John if he wants to come too,’ she says, ‘but he’s never once said yes. He claims he’s tired from work, but it’s not like he does manual labour – he sits in an office chair all day.
‘Whenever I get back from whatever physical activity I’m doing that day, he’ll be exactly where
I left him – lying on the sofa and eating junk food.’
This, Alice explains, is another reoccurring problem: John’s diet.
‘The other day I suggested we have some chicken breast and pasta salad for dinner, and he got annoyed because he said he wanted fish and chips,’ says Alice.
‘Don’t get me wrong, I like fish and chips, but it’s something you eat on special occasions – like when you’re at the seaside. It’s not something you eat on a Wednesday night.
‘As a woman, you learn early on in life that you can’t just eat whatever you like because you will put on weight. But it’s like he’s never grasped this basic information.
‘It’s his choice what he puts in his mouth, but I’m scared for his health because he already has high blood pressure.’
And on top of this there’s another elephant in the room.
‘It’s not that I find him repulsive now that he’s put on weight, but it has made a difference to our sex life,’ says Alice. ‘I’ve lost interest. For me, the thing that would make the biggest difference in that department is him losing a few stone. But how do you say that?
‘A number of my female friends all say similar things. It’s like men think it’s OK to completely let themselves go.’
It is a difficult situation, but far from unique.
Earlier this month, newly published research revealed that married men are three times more likely to be obese than their unmarried counterparts.
Analysing the medical data of more than 2,400 people with an average age of 50, the Polish scientists found that marriage increased men’s chance of being overweight by 62 per cent.
For women, meanwhile, there was no impact on obesity risk.
The study adds to a growing body of research demonstrating that middle-aged men are much more likely than women to be overweight – and less likely to diet.
In light of the findings, last week The Mail on Sunday’s GP columnist Dr Ellie Cannon wrote that she had numerous female patients who were exasperated by their overweight husbands’ refusal to shape up. Dr Cannon asked readers for their own experiences – and the responses flooded in.
One 55-year-old woman said her husband had gone from 14 to more than 18 stone in the three years they’d been married – despite struggling with high cholesterol and being diagnosed with bowel cancer. Her suggestions that he eat more healthily, however, achieved the opposite effect.
‘I feel like a complete witch,’ she wrote, ‘and I’m at a loss as any broaching of the subject is incendiary.’
Another 53-year-old wife said she’s more worried about her obese husband than her teenagers, after his spiralling weight caused him to develop prediabetes and even hormone-related breast cancer due to his low testosterone, which is common in obese men.
And a 70-year-old woman admitted she could hardly recognise her husband due to his massive weight gain during their marriage – now clocking in at 23 stone.
‘Life just isn’t the same – we don’t do things together any more,’ she explained. ‘I love my husband but it’s so distressing to see him like this.’
Experts say this weight discordance between couples isn’t just disappointing wives and damaging relationships – it’s part of a larger public health crisis.
This month, the Government is set to announce an initiative to address why men are in such worse shape than women. As it stands, men are 60 per cent more likely to die before the age of 75 with heart disease, lung cancer, liver disease or in an accident. And 80 per cent of middle-aged British men are either overweight or obese. So what is going on?
‘Research shows that men tend to relax their standards after marriage and let themselves go, while women feel more social pressure to still look a certain way,’ says Professor Frank Joseph, an obesity expert at Spire Liverpool Hospital. ‘The problem is, men need to be more careful than women when putting on weight as it can cause more damage, faster, due to men’s bodies being less able to safely store fat.
‘Men are more prone to serious health issues such as heart disease and diabetes, as a result.’
In the UK, men are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, use drugs and have high cholesterol and blood pressure than women.
These factors, research has shown, are major contributors to the fact that men’s life expectancy is four years lower than women’s.
A 2013 study of more than 10,000 people revealed that men tend not to even realise that they have put on weight.
This, explained the University of London researchers, is probably because carrying excess weight is seen as more socially acceptable for men.
This means, said lead author Dr Alice Sullivan, that they are far less likely to see a bit of extra weight as a health problem and do anything about it.
It also could be due to men simply having less need to go to the doctor before middle age, says Dr Naveed Sattar, professor of cardiovascular and metabolic health at the University of Glasgow.
‘Men are less likely to be having regular check-ups in this age bracket – whereas women have had reasons to go to doctors throughout their teens, 20s and 30s, which means they’ve had more screening for potential health issues.’
In the Royle Family, Barbara is the long-suffering wife of slovenly, overweight husband Jim Royle, who refuses to change his ways
Dr James Ravenhill, psychology lecturer at Royal Holloway University, believes one issue is that losing weight – dieting – is seen as a feminine pursuit.
Men make up just 11 per cent of participants across commercial weight-loss programmes, including Weight Watchers, Slimming World and Rosemary Conley Diet And Fitness Clubs.
‘For middle-aged men today, who came of age socialising in the “lads behaving badly” era of the 1980s and 90s, beer-swilling, smoking and other risk-taking behaviours can seem more masculine,’ suggests Dr Ravenhill.
To complicate matters, men are much less likely to seek medical help when they do have health problems. A US survey conducted by the Cleveland Clinic found that 65 per cent of men said they avoid seeking medical attention for ‘as long as possible’, citing reasons such as believing that ailments will heal by themselves or that needing help was a sign of weakness.
And while looking good and being athletic may be more important to younger men looking to find a partner, once a man settles down the societal pressures change, says Dr Ravenhill.
Middle-aged married men, he claims, see their role and primary responsibility to be looking after and providing for the family – after all, men are still the primary breadwinner in seven out of ten households.
Meanwhile, a study last year published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, which involved interviews with hundreds of adults, found that men valued physical attractiveness and health in their partners – indicators of fertility. Women, on the other hand, prioritised traits such as intelligence, emotional stability and earning potential.
Looks and being in good shape were not as important.
‘Men who are fulfilling their traditional role as financial provider may feel less pressure to look attractive,’ says Dr Ravenhill, ‘particularly if they no longer need to attract a spouse.
‘If they’re working full-time, they also may not have the time to go to the gym or play football.’
And in recent years, being heavier has even been seen as an attractive quality for men.
According to a 2021 survey by online dating site dating.com, as many as 80 per cent of women would choose a man with a so-called ‘dad bod’ – with a larger stomach – over a more muscular body type.
Part of the reason men might not recognise their weight has gotten out of control is due to biological differences, says Dr Sattar, adding: ‘Men can get away with beer bellies for longer, because they need to gain more weight than women before it starts to show up in their face.’
The difficulty, Dr Sattar adds, is that extra fat is more dangerous for men than it is for women. ‘Women have a greater capacity to store fat safely because of their body’s need to gain weight while pregnant,’ he says.
‘It tends to be distributed across the breasts, hips and thighs. Men, on the other hand, don’t have the same storage capacity.
‘When they put on weight it goes to their middle. Large amounts of fat go into tissue where it doesn’t belong – such as the liver, heart or kidneys. This is the fat that increases the risk of diabetes and heart disease.’
But it’s not just men’s health that’s suffering – their relationships are too.
Manchester-based psychotherapist Susie Masterson says it’s a dynamic she sees often in couples therapy – wives not accusatory, but fearful, that their husband’s unhealthy habits will lead to an early death.
‘For women, the fact that their partners can’t care for themselves makes them doubt that they have the capacity to care for anyone,’ she says. ‘It makes them anxious about the future, and this can create divisions.
‘If you have a fantasy of having an active retirement together, but your partner doesn’t seem to care about their health, it can make someone think, “Do I really want to spend the next 20 years with this person?” ’
This can lead relationships to break down, says Sandra Davis, divorce lawyer at Mishcon de Reya, who represented Princess Diana and Jerry Hall.
‘Someone letting themselves go physically is rarely the sole reason for the split,’ she says, ‘but it can indicate a wider lack of communication or dissatisfaction within the marriage. Women may feel taken for granted if they believe their partner isn’t putting in enough effort.’
But there are ways to address these issues without pulling the plug entirely – or shaming your partner. For a start, men should know how to correctly calculate their waist size.
‘Men might think their trouser size hasn’t changed, but their stomach has actually expanded above and beyond their belt,’ says Dr Sattar. ‘They need to be measuring from the middle of their protruding belly while breathing out – not sucking in – to get an accurate figure.
‘The waist circumference should be half or less of their height – any more than this and you begin to risk putting on fat in dangerous places.’
This article was originally published by a www.dailymail.co.uk . Read the Original article here. .